NurseSheGirl

Thirteen years ago today,
The world somehow kept turning.
The sun still rose, the evening came,
While my whole heart was hurting.

Thirteen years of birthdays passed,
Of ordinary days,
Of moments I have wished for you
In countless different ways.

You missed so much – or maybe not.
I like to think you’ve seen
The woman I have had to be,
And everything between.

If you were sitting here tonight,
I wonder where I’d start.
How do you fit thirteen whole years
Inside a daughter’s heart?

I think I’d simply look at you,
And memorize your face.
I’d listen to your voice again,
And soak up your embrace.

I’d tell you all about my life,
The beautiful and bad,
The times that I was terrified,
The times that I was glad.

I’d tell you how I do as a mom,
And all that taught me too
How sometimes when I love my children,
I understand more of you.

I’d tell you I became a nurse,
That people need me now,
That somehow I learned to carry pain
Though I’m still not sure how.

I’d tell you I have loved so hard,
Sometimes beyond what’s wise.
That I have had my heart rebuilt
And broken countless times.

I’d tell you there were nights, Mom,
When life became too much,
When I would have traded anything
For one more mother’s touch.

I’d tell you I am different now
From who I was before.
Life has softened parts of me
And hardened others more.

I had no choice but to survive,
To stand when I felt small.
And maybe you would look at me
And say you saw it all.

But mostly, Mom, I’d tell you this,
I never left you there.
Thirteen years did not erase
The love that we still share.

Grief changed shape as years went by.
It learned to live beside me.
It doesn’t always scream your name,
But quietly reminds me.

And somewhere underneath the years,
The losses and the scars,
A part of me is still that child
Who wonders where you are.

So if you were sitting here tonight,
I wouldn’t ask you to stay.
I know I learned thirteen years ago
That life won’t work that way.

I’d take your hands inside of mine
And tell you what is true,

“Mom, I made it all these years.
But fuck, I still miss you.”

There was so much I needed you for,
So much you never knew.
There were a thousand times I wished
I could come home to you.

I hope you’d recognize me now.
I hope that you’d be proud.
I hope somehow you heard my heart
When I couldn’t say it loud.

And if there’s somewhere after this
Where daughters find their mothers,
Then save a little place for me
Beyond this life and all the others.

But you don’t have to worry, Mom.
I’m staying here awhile.
I still have living left to do,
More reasons left to smile.

I’ll carry you into those years,
The way I always do.

Because thirteen years have passed, Mom,

And I still love you.